Thursday, March 31, 2016


My mind is almost always spinning. I keep a day planner and a spiral notebook on me every day as a repository for the lists and mental fixations that occur, and to schedule the plans I make weeks and months into the future. I get stuck on an idea until I can write it down and elaborate on it. Sometimes that's enough, sometimes I go back and double check. I write everything from mapping out a plan for the garden beds to grocery lists to walking myself through a personal crisis and everything in between. I have lists for foods I want to try making, trips I want to take, things to do around the house, and what I am looking for in my next job.

A couple months ago I felt like I was going crazy. I was having trouble trusting my partner, and now in hindsight, I know it's because he was gas-lighting me. I was right to feel like something was wrong, but because he insisted that everything was fine and was still effectively hiding the problem, I turned inward for the resolution. And so, I turned to my trusty notebook to organize my thoughts and get them out of my head. Often in these situations it helps to intellectualize it rather than just sitting with a bunch of emotional garbage, and having it all out on paper can be really clarifying.

I think it was late January that I made a list of what I thought were damaging patterns on my part: making assumptions, fixating on undesirable possibilities, being distrustful, "Not believing that I'm worth change and therefore not believing that change is possible." Ugh, that one. I made a list of exercises and replacement thought habits, and a list of boundaries that I should be mindful of. Don't try to control or monitor, don't obsess, try to put yourself in their shoes. etc. And then, because I am always prepared, I made a note to myself under the header "Worst Case Scenarios."

It reads "If I get duped, lied to, betrayed. I will still be ok. I will have the strength to move on and honor myself. If my needs are too much trouble for someone to meet, I will still be ok. That's their prerogative and I do not need to shrink to accommodate someone else. Needs are just that. I will still be ok. I will thrive."

It's almost like I knew. Because.. I kind of did. And I am thriving.

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