One thing I'm learning as the result of this whole ordeal, is that that I can and need to trust my gut instincts. Call it intuition, call it whatever you want. I believe that people can have a sense of things energetically or subconsciously without really knowing all the details. Except when I have those feelings or moments of intuition, I almost always second guess them. I explain it away as anxiety, or as irrational, or simply as an active imagination. I have assumed self diagnosed pathologies over believing my gut.
I'm not the only one actively dismissing those feelings, though. In hindsight I see all those moments where I felt like something was wrong, but allowed someone to tell me everything was fine and that those feelings were misplaced. You're being ridiculous. Just relax. What is the matter with you? There's nothing to be worried about. Just trust me, I wouldn't lie to you. Why don't you have a glass of wine and take a load off. In a sense I guess I was looking for reassurance, but really I was looking for validation. Something feels off. What is wrong? What's going on here? Oh nothing? It's all in my head? Guess I'm crazy then. Better do something about that.
EXCEPT I WAS RIGHT. All those times I felt my stomach twist up and felt nervous about a shielded text message or any number of oddities explained away with some "reasonable" excuse like traffic on the freeway, indecision at the grocery store or poor budgeting. Casually crafted lies, one after another, slipping through the lips of someone you trust like a a slow drip in the plumbing, puddling into a lake of deception and turning the walls of your psyche to mush.
Classic gaslighting. Per wikipedia "Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity." It serves the gaslighter for the "crazy" person to continue thinking they're crazy, because if they knew they were right, the culprit would be exposed. Its horribly manipulative and really damaging.
Of course it doesn't help that when you care about someone and you've actively worked toward building a life together, you want to believe them. Nobody wants to think they're being duped. I generally think people are decent and well-meaning. At least, I did. It's a lot more pleasant to get through life if I'm not looking over my shoulder assuming the worst all the time. But maybe it's time for a change. Maybe it's time to wise up and be a little less naive. Nobody's out to get me but they're sure out to get what they want for themselves, no-matter the cost to anyone else. And they'll spin a web of lies if it means you'll give it to them.
Perhaps it's best to trust no one. Learn to hear my gut and believe it. Trust what I know in my heart, even if it's not convenient or pleasant, instead of believing the soothing bullshit someone tries to feed me despite the rosy allure. All that glitters, as they say.
Got some fools gold. Tossed that shit back in the river.