32/100

I'm stumbling a bit on my daily blogging commitment. I think I've missed two days so far.

There are very few things I do every single day. Hygienic things, sure, but aside from that.. my habits vary. I do really well with having a routine, however, my routine was disrupted and I'm still working on establishing a new one. Actually that's not entirely true. I'm not trying that hard to establish a new routine. I'm not accountable to anyone but myself right now and I'm kind of reveling in that, and enjoying the freedom and spontaneity it offers.

In fact, I have been actively seeking out opportunities for new experiences, new people, a break from the norm. It wasn't a conscious decision so much as a kneejerk reaction to chaos and discomfort. I'd rather lean into the chaos and find a way to make it mine instead of allowing it be be inflicted upon me. Bending so as not to break.. or something like that. Indulgences are entertained, sleep is shrugged off (until I need to be up in the morning for work.. *yawn*) and I become a more adventurous and less hyper-responsible version of myself.

I'm sure it'll even out. But, this time it needs to even out absent the influence of having a person to anchor to. I mentioned in a previous post that I go a little crazy when I'm single. The thing is, I historically have not stayed single long. I have been single for less than a year, cumulatively, in my entire adult life. A couple months when I was 18, three-ish months when I was 20, one month when I was 27.

And now here I am. Single again and tired of doing the same things over and over. Tired of going all-in with guys who didn't deserve that level of commitment from me, but got it anyway because I didn't know how else to be in a relationship. I'm a year and a half away from 30, I'm a homeowner, I have a good job and a semi-clear career path, and I know the tricks to opening a tough jar on my own. I don't need a man (or a parent, or a friend or benefactor) to cover my expenses, reach the tall shelves or make me feel valued. I value myself.

That said, companionship is fun, as are flirting and intimacy and all the components that go into dating and courtship. My goal is to approach these things in a way that allows them to be abundant in my life, but doesn't compromise what I deserve or my decision to live alone until I'm at least 30. I have been exercising my newly acquired skill of dismissing men who might be nice but aren't right for me. The long ingrained rule 'be polite, don't hurt anyone's feelings' was a detriment to standing up for what I want for a long while. It still doesn't come super easily, but I'm getting more comfortable with doing it. It's a necessary evil.

Anyway, this was a bit of a ramble, but it's a post, which is more than I managed yesterday. Cheers to doing it better.