In vino veritas.
In recent years I'd come to believe that a way of life that incorporates teamwork and partnership didn't really exist for me. I told myself that it wasn't possible, that nobody would be able to match my efforts and meet me at my level. I don't mean that in an arrogant way, necessarily, but I know what I have to offer and all I've known when hoping for a match was disappointment. I've reached a level of independence that affords me the refusal to settle. I'd rather go it alone than settle for sub par companionship.
It's easy to renounce the idea of finding a partner when you operate under the assumption that such a thing doesn't exist. It makes for a nice clean life, one with plans and desires that can be achieved by oneself alone. It would be silly to sit around pining for, say, the ability to fly when you know darn well its not a thing you'll ever be able to do. So you just go on walking and running and jumping and living in the realm of possibility.
I was happily cruising along in my understood realm of possibility, enjoying the fruits of my labor and making plans and setting goals that I could accomplish myself.
And then I was proven wrong.
Turns out, just 'cause you've never seen something, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And then when you find out it exists, it throws your understanding of reality and possibility into a tailspin and makes some of those self-achievable goals look like a consolation prize.
I get why the catholic church was resistant to Galileo's paradigm shift. It's really quite uncomfortable to have to assimilate a new understanding of reality into your tidy and carefully curated life. But now that you know, you can't un-know. God damnit.
I don't like to want things that depend on someone else. I don't usually seek that which can be taken from me or walk away. I don't like to give anyone the opportunity to let me down. I don't like to depend on anyone for basically anything. Its risky and uncertain.
But here I am. Wanting.
Fuck.
