It's been a while. I noticed something when I used to keep a journal; I would only write when I was discontented. I would write to work out the dilemma. Or, as was often the case, to talk myself into not feeling shitty about circumstances that it was perfectly reasonable to feel shitty about. I have periodically gone back and read some of the previous entries as I became more mentally well, more removed from the abuse, more capable of seeing things clearly. It usually makes me sad, because I can see the ways in which I'd participated in allowing myself to be mistreated. I'd eaten up the lines about how it was my fault, how I was the problem. I used my journal to perpetuate my own gas-lighting. Later I'd use it to practice gratitude and focus on the things I was happy with in my life, which in hindsight was a coping mechanism. Turns out, when life is actually good, one doesn't need to make a concerted effort to be thankful for contrived blessings.
I haven't journaled in a long time. Probably at least 2 years. This blog project is the closest thing to it.. and that's fallen off some. I guess I kind of fell into my old habit of writing about the negative and going dark when things are good. 'Cause things are really really good. I started a new job last week working from home. I work for a small company, only about 8 people and everyone is remote. I'm respected and my input is valued, and I can work in my underwear if I want to. I can take a break and go futz around in the garden.
Speaking of the garden. It's huge. In the span of a week I picked over 40 cucumbers. The corn and tomatoes are taller than me, and the pumpkin vines are severely limiting the usefulness of the pathways. My heart swells when I look at it, and I am so thrilled to finally see all the things I've worked hard for come to literal fruition.
I wasn't really miserable all those times I was journaling regularly. My happiness is resilient. I found joy in the same things I do now: my garden, my silly cats, the delta breeze, a good meal and time spent with quality people. I think the difference is that now I just lack all the impediments to fully enjoying all that. I grew up surrounded by dysfunction and now, I have stumbled upon the reality that it doesn't have to be that way. I can actually just.. reject anything that tries to kill my vibe. Imagine that.
I finally rescheduled that counseling appointment. I figure now that I'm here, I should make sure I keep the dysfunction at bay. Complacence is the enemy of excellence, after all.