27/100

As a kid I wasn't really sure how to make friends. I was an only child, and the few friends I had were the other kids that lived on the same cul de sac that I did. I made some friends throughout elementary school, but few of them were long term friends and almost all the close ones ended with some kind of falling out. Usually they were mad at me about something and I wasn't sure what, or they'd just decided they didn't want to be friends anymore (or their parents decided for them, in a couple cases) and that was that. I didn't (and still don't) think that I was a bad friend to them or really did anything warranting the end of friendship, but I do think I had a knack for picking the wrong people to be friends with. My childhood home was not one I would call typical or rich with good examples of normalcy and a healthy understanding of good interpersonal relationships. I was kind of on my own as far as determining how to be social.

Fast forward to Jr. High and High School. I still wasn't picking great friends. I got involved with a group of girls who were mostly harmless but I was definitely the odd one out. They didn't outright shun me but I was certainly the butt of many abrasive jokes. No one had modeled good friendships for me before so I just thought this is how people are. In my freshman year of high school my best friend from early childhood and my best friend from junior high became friends after I introduced them. They bonded and decided that I'd "changed" and that they needed to give me a run down of all the ways I'd messed up or not met whatever their expectations were for.. existing I guess. In hindsight, maybe this was bullying. It was mild bullying though. At any rate, it was then that I decided: fuck these fake ass bitches. I'd rather eat lunch alone than put up with this bullshit.

Coincidentally, another friend from junior high had nearly the same experience with her two best friends and we found each other. She was my first example of a real, good, decent friend. We had each other's backs. We didn't judge each other or make each other feel shitty about.. whatever style of extra wide shoelaces we wore or whatever the thing was back then. From then on my bar was raised. I knew I could be fine without frenemies because I was ok being alone. Finding another decent human being in a sea of shitty teenagers, though, that was refreshing. I was a maid of honor in her wedding to my cousin a couple years ago.

As an adult, I have found it much easier to find and keep good people in my life, and as a result of all those childhood assholes, I found it easy to prune my life of people who don't fit. I know how to be a good friend, I love helping people out and I am always willing to lend and ear and give honest feedback. I'd just encountered a lot of people who either didn't appreciate that or who took advantage of it. In recent years, I have succeeded in surrounding myself with a rather sizeable group of great ladies (and gents, but I'm focusing on girlfriends here) who aren't catty, have each others' backs, are similarly interested in bettering themselves and pursuing varied interests and who are very real and genuine. I collect good people.

My girlfriends (and some guy friends, to be fair) have totally rallied for me this last week or so. I'm lucky to have each of them in my corner and I'm excited for fun times ahead. Sundresses and wine and painted toenails are all in the forecast.

26/100

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I'm not a fan of uncertainty. I'm also not really down with being in limbo. For example, I want to just leave the last chapter of my life behind as just that, and move on and do my thing. But, I can't really do that yet. I have someone else's stuff in my house. I have someone else's phone line on my account. There are loose ends to tie up. I hate loose ends.

I spent part of today being angry. I was frustrated at the limits my graciousness and consideration put on getting things taken care of and buttoning things up. I was upset that the very person who put me in this position required even more leeway and coddling in order to just be functional. I was angry remembering that he'd mentioned not wanting to take advantage of the kindness of the person he's staying with. Or that it would be inconvenient to move large pieces of furniture twice. Do you mean like how you took advantage of MY kindness over the last year and a half? And what about how my life is inconvenienced while my home is treated like a storage unit?

Addicts make it all about them. They require special treatment and walking on eggshells to not disrupt the perfectly sheltered environment they require in order to not succumb to the irresistible lure of their drug of choice. At least that's what they'd have you believe. Poor them. Life is hard and drugs are so enticing. Well, I've never had any trouble avoiding heroin, so... I'm gonna go ahead and step off the crazy train and say tough shit. There will be no sugar coating from my corner. You might not like what I have to say but by all rights you deserve to hear it and let it really sink in.

Anyway. I'd like to get on with putting my spare bedroom together. I've got the furniture picked out, but I'm not sure whether I'm going to go with a grey/purple/beiges restful spa feel color scheme or a sage/terra cotta/tan farmhouse feel. I guess I'll see how it looks once I get it.

25/100

A few years ago I started hosting handmade goods exchanges. It started organically, after I started canning and some close friends wanted to learn how. I hosted canning days in which I and a couple friends would make and can batch after batch of jams. It became apparent that we maybe didn't each need a dozen jars of the same kind of jam, at least not for a childless adult who only eats a normal amount of PB&Js, such as myself. Once they felt comfortable canning on their own, I suggested that since they'd be canning at home and we each didn't necessarily need the full yield of any one batch, that we swap our extras.

I found an article on Pinterest about a community handmade goods swap somewhere on the east coast and decided to expand our parameters to anything homemade/handmade/homegrown. As the word got out it became popular pretty quickly; more friends wanted to learn how to can and get in on the swap. I started a Facebook group to accommodate it, named it Homespun and began hosting canning workshops for interested friends and acquaintances as well as planning bi-monthly or quarterly exchanges. Some of the exchanges I read about employ a barter system in which the exchange is like a market, and you'd have to have a desirable item to entice a trade for the item you covet. We decided as a group that as long as it isn't a huge number of people participating in any one exchange, we'd rather each bring one for everyone, and go home with one of everything. So far that has been a well-liked system.

Doing this has pushed me to explore food-crafts towards which I might otherwise not have ventured. I'm sure I'll miss something, but so far for Homespun I have made from scratch: sunflower seed butter, pickled garlic, pickled jalapenos, almond butter, mozzarella cheese, olive tapenade, barbecue sauce, grenadine, taco seasoning, strawberry lemonade concentrate, and just this last weekend, marshmallows. Some people make canned goods, some dried goods, textiles, or soap. It's really fun and inspiring to see what everyone else makes, and exciting to go home with a haul of surprise items that are quality and handmade goods made by people you've met. I especially love receiving homegrown vegetables or eggs from backyard chickens. Gathering for the trade also gives everyone the chance to discuss what went into making things or exchange recipes.

It has been suggested that I ought to turn this into a business, and while I love doing it and do plan to continue, I haven't found any way for it to generate revenue while preserving the core principles of what it is. I wouldn't want to charge anyone to participate. The price of admission is your handmade contribution. The canning workshops could potentially be a source of income, however, most of the people I've taught are friends and I was happy to spend the time with them. I think it boils down to the fact that I wouldn't be a very good entrepreneur, because I'd rather organize and host these for free than risk excluding someone. I'd rather have your presence and creativity than your money.

Last Saturday was one of many successful exchanges, and I look forward to the next. I just have to think of what I'll make. Hmm...

24/100

So, today was Daylight Savings time. We sprang forward and lost an hour. I'll go ahead and use that as my excuse for not getting out of bed until just after noon. I lay there, groggy and bleary eyed, enjoying my utter lack of obligations and listening to the rain until I heard the neighborhood church bells ring twelve times just as my cat Molly rejoined me in bed, purring and nuzzling. 

I'd been laying there awake for a good 45 minutes, remembering the bizarre elements of my dreams, checking my daily sale newsletter emails from World Market, Wayfair, Overstock and all the rest. Glorious silence. Nobody snoring, no reruns played for the umpteenth time to interrupt my slow, quiet, lazy rainy morning bliss. I took care of all the little tasks around the house and had a long overdue laundry day. I dont just mean clothes for the week. I mean clothes, towels, sheets, blankets and all the sweaters that have to be set out to dry. The last load is in the dryer right now. 

I had a day to myself, alone, just enjoying my own company. I got through it without pangs of sadness or anxiety. I listened to the music I wanted to, changed it when I wanted to, and generally just appreciated the ability to do that. My lilies are slowly opening and once in a while I get a whiff of their sweet, heady fragrance. I do wish I'd had the opportunity to plant some things in the garden, but I am pretty sure it didn't stop raining once today. The cats were restless because of the rain and insisted on some playtime, 

I think I'm going to adjust rather easily to living alone. I can see the allure of cat doting spinsterhood. 

23/100

Today was a good day. I'm establishing my new normal, my new routines, ways of existing in my home since I have it all to myself. Making little adjustments here and there to have things the way just I like them, sleeping in the middle of the bed and keeping things just as tidy as I prefer.

I hosted a handmade goods swap today for a fun group of folks. In preparation, I made homemade marshmallows. It was the first time I'd made anything besides adding milk to cereal in about a week. I love cooking and am actually rather good at it, but I have no motivation to cook when I'm not happy with life. It was nice to have an incentive to get in the kitchen and make something delicious. There's a certain delighted satisfaction to having something turn out perfectly.

Also, the drizzly morning light was perfect for a few photos of the marshmallow cutting process. I'm no photo editor and these dont reeeeaaally do it justice but it'll have to do.

And because I made marshmallows, it only made sense that we'd have s'mores with which to test them out. Popping them under the broiler for a few minutes did the trick. I watched them like a hawk though, don't stick them in there and then walk away and make a phone call.

I know I'm doing well because I'm getting tired of talking about what happened. I'd rather talk about making marshmallows, or what I might do with my spare room, or when I'm going to get the garden beds planted (soon, I hope! Maybe some tomorrow if it's not raining all day.) Onward and Upward.

22/100

I made it to Friday. I made it through the workweek and I survived. I haven't gone a day yet without crying at least just a little bit, but I feel genuinely alright. Not anvil-on-my-chest-but-going-through-the-motions okay (that was earlier in the week). Like.. baseline normal life okay. The sad stuff comes and goes, but every day it gets a little easier. I expect tomorrow will be even better.

The only and best thing I can do is take care of me and not enable anyone else. That means not keeping their secrets so they can continue to mislead the people in their lives into enabling them. Busting someone out might just be the kindest thing you can do for them. And... I prefer kindness. Even if you've fucked me over, or betrayed me, or whatever the case may be. I won't intentionally hurt you, because that's just not my style. Being an asshole makes me feel shitty, so, I don't do it. I think any time I've ever been a jerk to someone it has haunted me for far longer than it bothered the person I was a jerk to.

I bought myself flowers yesterday to brighten my space. I made homemade marshmallows this evening and I'll be getting dolled up and taking myself out for a cocktail later this evening. Tomorrow I'll be surrounding myself with interesting, creative women with shared interests. Yesterday I got the ball rolling on scheduling some long overdue counseling sessions. Earlier this week, feeding myself was a victory. So, I think I'm making pretty good progress in this whole.. taking care of ME thing.

I've always been pretty good about self-care, but this week was the first time I actually needed help (or maybe it's just the first time it's been available and therefore noticeably beneficial?) I got help packing up his things; to her it was effortless but I was moving in slow motion. I had friends remind me to eat, rescue me from the car shop and feed me, and had at least a couple people checking in on me each day. I am so thankful for the support and love and offers for help showered on me this week. I cannot express how appreciative I am, but to each of my dear friends, know that I would return the favor in a heartbeat. However, I do wish you never need it!

I'll do better than okay. I'll be thriving in no time. Watch me.

21/100

One thing I'm learning as the result of this whole ordeal, is that that I can and need to trust my gut instincts. Call it intuition, call it whatever you want. I believe that people can have a sense of things energetically or subconsciously without really knowing all the details. Except when I have those feelings or moments of intuition, I almost always second guess them. I explain it away as anxiety, or as irrational, or simply as an active imagination. I have assumed self diagnosed pathologies over believing my gut. 

I'm not the only one actively dismissing those feelings, though. In hindsight I see all those moments where I felt like something was wrong, but allowed someone to tell me everything was fine and that those feelings were misplaced. You're being ridiculous. Just relax. What is the matter with you? There's nothing to be worried about. Just trust me, I wouldn't lie to you. Why don't you have a glass of wine and take a load off. In a sense I guess I was looking for reassurance, but really I was looking for validation. Something feels off. What is wrong? What's going on here? Oh nothing? It's all in my head? Guess I'm crazy then. Better do something about that.

EXCEPT I WAS RIGHT. All those times I felt my stomach twist up and felt nervous about a shielded text message or any number of oddities explained away with some "reasonable" excuse like traffic on the freeway, indecision at the grocery store or poor budgeting. Casually crafted lies, one after another, slipping through the lips of someone you trust like a a slow drip in the plumbing, puddling into a lake of deception and turning the walls of your psyche to mush. 

Classic gaslighting. Per wikipedia "Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity." It serves the gaslighter for the "crazy" person to continue thinking they're crazy, because if they knew they were right, the culprit would be exposed. Its horribly manipulative and really damaging. 

Of course it doesn't help that when you care about someone and you've actively worked toward building a life together, you want to believe them. Nobody wants to think they're being duped. I generally think people are decent and well-meaning. At least, I did. It's a lot more pleasant to get through life if I'm not looking over my shoulder assuming the worst all the time. But maybe it's time for a change. Maybe it's time to wise up and be a little less naive. Nobody's out to get me but they're sure out to get what they want for themselves, no-matter the cost to anyone else. And they'll spin a web of lies if it means you'll give it to them. 

Perhaps it's best to trust no one. Learn to hear my gut and believe it. Trust what I know in my heart, even if it's not convenient or pleasant, instead of believing the soothing bullshit someone tries to feed me despite the rosy allure. All that glitters, as they say. 

Got some fools gold. Tossed that shit back in the river.  

See also: Gaslighting: How Addicts Drive Loved Ones Over the Edge